So the end of another Sunday has dawned. It was only a 23 hour day. Today I realized a lot of things about myself and where I am at here in ministry. The church at Claye continues a dramatic movement as a community. I don't think I said but a few words all morning long. I was fatigued and emotionally run down. The already crowded meeting room was encumbered by a wooden cross and a couple hammers laying in the isle...totally out of fire code.... There was a theme that presented itself as Thierry and Jonathan lead the service: "This cross that bugs/disturbes us." It was physically in the way and it is also a weighty subject in our Christian faith. During the service we circled our chairs around it as a young woman and new believer shared her testimony. We followed her into communion and the physical nailing of nails into the cross. It was a powerful time. Not only that, but during communion, one woman approached the witness and they cried as they reconciled a long standing and serious conflict. I don't know that I have ever seen anything like that in my entire Christian life: public resolution during communion at the foot of a disturbing cross.

After the service, I spoke briefly with the leader of the women's Bible study that I am attending Tuesday mornings. I took a brave step to "try and explain" the feelings I have at this stage in the journey that God is bringing me on. It is a dry time for the fellowship aspect of the Christian life. I can't fully enter into the prayer times or the community sharing times. I can listen and understand a fair share but I can't contribute as easily. What I miss most is RUG with Jeanette: meeting 2 times a week to do some Reckless Unhindered Godchasing. I know that these days are valuable and one day I will move through them into deeper fellowship with the Christian family here; but I am stuck for the moment feeling the frustration of incapability.

What I really need at this time is comprehension of my stage and acknowlegment that it's the way things are....no need of answers, that it will be over soon, or to keep working hard at the language cuz one day I'll learn how to pray, or even much consolation. I just want my feelings to be acknowledged. Nothing more. They say I'm just tired and need to rest or take some time for myself. Maybe... but for the moment, this is the tough stuff.

On the other hand, a splendid "gift" was delivered tonight to the OIKOS apt: a full sized piano. Oscar has lent it to me and what a joy it is to even have it just sitting here. I was 18 the last time I had such access to a piano. This is an incredible answer to prayer and a God-thing.... Him just knowing what I needed and passing it along through the grapevine.

It's weird, but for some reason I'm highly sensitive to even the things that happen at home and with my family. You would think it wouldn't be such a big deal to have family moving from Seattle to Minneapolis when I have just moved all the way to Paris. Well, it still is. Especially when mom recounts how Anna cried as she was peeled from "Grandpa's" sholders to board the airplane, yet the "stoic" Spiger-clan shed no visible tears. Not so here.

I'm praying for the "fin de la guerre". But I have a feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg: "....when you hear of wars and rumors of wars...."